A PM Christmas
by MGFF
Summary: A comic retelling of a classic poem along with all the shenanigans that the Mafia would get up to if we were able to get together for Christmas. LOVE LOVE LOVE.


**I hope this is an adequate Christmas present for you all...it's full of lots of pairings...Eraubrey, Sethkitty, Clarad, Tenni, Seakki, Desnipe...I didn't do everything I wanted to with it, but I like it. A lot. And I hope you guys do too. I love you all more than is rational.**

**Merry freaking Christmas, you whorefaces. :)  
**

_Sometime in the future…_

It was a cold, snowy Christmas Eve, and the Purple Mafia was gathered around a cheery, crackling fire, having 'family' time. A splendid Christmas tree was lit up in the corner of the room, decorated with stringed popcorn, purple baubles, and little figurines of all the Twilight characters (Kat and Kari had done most of the decorating). They had just partaken of a splendid Christmas dinner (commandeered by Jazz and her mad baking skillz), and all the adults were feeling comfortably full and lazy, whereas the little kiddies, hyped up on sugar, were just warming up.

Lenni wandered into the living room, carrying mugs of hot cocoa for herself and Tim, and was nearly bowled over by Tennifer Tblz and her twin brother, Timmify, who were running through the house at high speed, wearing loincloths and war paint and attempting to beat each other with ice cream cartons.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU CRETIN!" screeched Tennifer, waving her carton of Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl threateningly. "YOU ARE SOOO DEAD!"

"Catch me if you can!" Timmify laughed in a snarky way, shooting a lacy thong over his shoulder at his sister, slingshot-style.

"CUT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!" Lenni yelled at her spawn as they darted up the stairs. She rolled her eyes and handed Tim his cocoa, asking "What happened this time?"

"Timmify stuck Tennifer's teddy bear down his pants," Tim chuckled, patting his frazzled wife on the back.

"Fantastic," Lenni muttered, thinking that this was the eighth time this month that she was going to have to wash that teddy bear. She paused for a moment, and then whipped around, staring after her son. "Hey, Timmify, how did you get ahold of Mommy's thong?!?!?!"

Most of the other children were scattered around the room in varying states of WHEEEness. Erin and Aubrey's now 8-year-old daughter Capri and her 6-year-old sister Gemma were playing "house" with miniature figurines of Nick and Joe Jonas, whom they had renamed "Sandra" and "Dave" and kept making them do obscene things to each other. Clare and Erad's young sons, Emerson and Mongoose—who were, for all extensive purposes, miniature clones of their father—were making a fort made of the Christmas presents around the tree, wearing hats made out of tinfoil and speaking to each other in Klingon. Seth and Kitty's youngest son, 4-year-old Jonas, was carrying around a cucumber he had stolen from the kitchen and was periodically using it as a microphone and singing Spice Girls songs into it. Several of the others were involved in an intense round of the Penis Game, which was getting louder by the second, and Desi and Snipe were subtly making out in a dark corner.

Erin came out of the kitchen, having heard the mayhem and getting progressively more annoyed. "Hey, guys…guys…GUYS!! QUIT BEING SO NOISY!!"

All the children quieted down at the sound of the authoritative mommy voice, except for one last "penis," which may or may not have come from Seth Junior, and Beth, who muttered "Pahaha, that's what she said." Erin glared at them, arms crossed, and growled "Can you all _keep it down_ in here? We raised you all to behave better than this (and the neighbors just threatened to call the cops on us)…Can you all find something to do that doesn't involve screaming or hitting each other?"

The kids all looked at each other rather blankly. Then Capri glanced at Bekki, who was sprawled across the big armchair by the fire, snoring deeply, apparently able to sleep through the madness. The frizzy little blonde-haired girl ran over to the comatose body, and tugged insistently on her sleeve. "Aunt Bekki! Tell us a story!"

"Wha?" Bekki, who had begun to drool slightly, woke suddenly to find a dozen or so small faces peering interestedly in her direction.

"Tell us a story!" Capri repeated, her large blue eyes (very much like her father's) round with anticipation. "You always tell such good stories, Aunt Bekki."

"A story! A story!" Jonas began poking the Aussie woman repeatedly with the cucumber, which now had the words "I LOVE TWILIGHT" carved into it by some unknown graffitist.

"'Tory!" Judy Phyllis Oprah O'Brien, age two (obviously named as a testament to her mother's favorite fandoms, and doomed to teasing her entire life), clapped her pudgy little hands and gazed up at her adoptive aunt with childish awe.

"Alright, you little buggers. Jeez, stfu already or imma punch yew." Bekki made the laborious effort to pull herself upright, and then scratched her head, wondering. "Hmm…what story should I tell? We certainly have plenty to choose from…"

Lenni, who was now snuggled close to Tim, grinned slightly evilly. "You could tell the story about Helen and the sweater. Hey, kids, this one time, Auntie Helen—"

Helen, who was helping clean up in the kitchen, stuck her head out and yelled "FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT A SWEATER HUMPER! IT WAS ONE TIME! IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE OF THOSE DARN SEALS!!!11"

A lot of the kids made O.O faces and little Sawyer, Erin and Aubrey's inquisitive son, tugged on his mother's sleeve and murmured "Mommy, what's a sweater humper?" But Erin shushed him hurriedly.

"You could talk about the original crash of MR…or mine and Aubrey's quest to save the earth from zombehs," commented Seth from the other armchair. "Or the time I gave Tank a super-wedgie."

"You could tell them how my luv for Twilight came to be," Kat squeed, huggling her husband Seth Clearwater, who was standing next to her and had made it into the story somehow.

"Or the epic tale of Siamesezwillungwagen!" suggested Ruthie.

"Or what happened when Rachel declared that she would 'frost a brownie'!" Taylor said, and then she and Rachel commenced having an intense gigglefit. Geminex, who was holding Taylor's hand discreetly, blushed crimson as secret pervy thoughts of frosting Taylor's brownie raced to his brain and he tried not to let it turn into an Awkward Moment.

"Tell us a _Christmas_ story!" ordered Seth Junior, age eight, who was sitting at his father's feet, trying to steal the cucumber from his younger brother.

"A Christmas story?" Bekki made a face. All the good cheer in the room was about to make her vomit as it was. "Like _what_?"

"I dunno, just a Christmas story!" Seth Junior shrugged, his face deceptively innocent as he yanked the vegetable away from Jonas, who, miffed, began playing with his stuffed Squirtle instead.

"Uh, okay." Bekki coughed awkwardly, thought a moment, and then said "Okay, I got one. Ahem. Twas the night before Christmas—"

"OOOH! I KNOW THIS ONE!"

"ME TOO!"

"Shut UP, midgets!"

"Sorry, Aunt Bekki."

Jazz, Helen, and Clare returned from cleaning up the kitchen. Jazz went and sat on the edge of Seth's chair, and he smiled and put his arm around her waist. The O'Brien sisters plopped down in unison on the couch, Clare taking a squirming Judy and passing her to Erad on her immediate right. Erad smiled crookedly as his daughter grabbed for his glasses and babbled in baby talk.

"Anyway," Bekki began again in a bored voice "Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a grouse."

"It's supposed to be a mouse, Aunt Bekki!"

"Put a lid on it, small one! Who's telling the story, you or me?!"

"Sorry."

"Ahem…_Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house  
Not a creature was stirring, not even a grouse.  
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,  
In hopes that St. Tibbles soon would be there."_

Bekki leaned forward and made spirit fingers when she said "St. Tibbles," and all the children let out a simultaneous "oooh," their eyes wide as saucers. Seth let out a snort and facepalmed. "Oh, God, I can't _wait_ to hear this…" he muttered. Jazz shushed him, giggling.

"This oughta be good, lol." Ari commented under her breath as Bekki continued.

"_The children were nestled all snug in their beds,  
While visions of Skittles danced in their heads.  
And Seanus in his 'kerchief, and I in my cap,  
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap."_

Sean, who was over by the window with a glass of eggnog, seemed to take umbrage at the notion that he might wear a kerchief, but he didn't interrupt.

Bekki was starting to get into the story. She had moved out of her slouching position, and was now fully engaged with the kids. When she began the next stanza, she made a grand, sweeping gesture with her hands, and they all let out little gasps of delight.

"_When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,  
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.  
Away to the window I flew like a flash,  
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash."_

Bekki paused, coming out of character momentarily. "What the fuck is a sash, anyway?"

"_Bekki_!" Erin, Jazz, and Clare all hissed in unison, covering their children's innocent ears.

Bekki looked indignant. "Well, sorry! I was just asking! God!"

Sawyer tugged on his mother's sleeve again. "Mommy, what does 'fuck' mean?"

Capri piped up. "That's what Mommy tells Daddy to do to her when he pins her against the kitchen counter!"

Aubrey immediately went as red as his hair and Erin looked mortified, hushing both her children as everyone else looked pointedly at them.

"Ahaha, well, I guess Aubrey still likes it kinky," Ari commented, grinning evilly.

"Please, Bekki, keep telling the story," Erin said weakly, making a mental note to _lock the kitchen door_ the next time she and Aubz were in the mood for a mid-afternoon quickie.

Bekki sniggered in a very Bekki-ish way. "Heehee…S&M in front of the kiddies…nice, Erin…oh, yeah, story." Another theatrical cough. "Ahem!"

"_The moon on the breast—_ha ha, breast_—of the new-fallen snow  
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.  
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,  
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny goat-deer."_

Seth and Kitty's middle child, their daughter Belle, immediately squealed and shouted excitedly "GOATS!" (She had been taught at an early age by her parents that anything with goats involved was cause for celebration).

"Why aren't they reindeer?" Seth Jr. pondered aloud.

"Cause goat-deer are more pwnful, leik duh," Bekki said, rolling her eyes. "Why do you think people stop believing in Santa? Fat old guy driving a big sled, and there's not even a goat in sight. So uncool." She nodded wisely at the kiddies, and resumed her storytelling. "Now, where were we? O yah, the sleigh…"

"_With a smexy hawt driver, so laden with Skittles,  
I knew in a moment it must be St Tblz  
More rapid than bunnehs his goaties they came,  
And he gangsta-rapped, and break-danced, and called them by name!"_

_"Now Slutface! now, Shithead! now, Poinger and Penii!  
On, Snoopy! On, Feisty! on, Whorebag and Popeye!  
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!  
Now boink away! Boink away! Boink away all!"_

By this point, all the kids were cheering and clapping their hands and the adults were trying in vain to contain their laughter. Aubrey had stuffed his skater beanie in his mouth to quiet his own convulsions of hilarity, and Seth was wiping tears from his eyes. Jazz was torn between BOLing and killing Bekki for destroying her children's already semi-tainted minds, and Beth was leaning against Snipe for support, as she now couldn't breathe for laughter. Bekki looked close to bursting herself, but she managed to keep a relatively straight face as she continued the poem, as all the children watched her intently.

"_As the Mafia had paid homage to St. Kevin Tblz  
He knew it was time to deliver the Skittles._

_So up to the house-top the goaties they flew,  
With the sleigh full of toys, and St Tibbles too."_

_"And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof  
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.  
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,  
Down the chimney St Tblzorz came with a bound."_

_"He was dressed all in purple polyester, from his head to his foot,  
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.  
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,  
And he looked like a sex god, just opening his 'pack.'"_

Bekki made finger quotations and dropped her voice for the word 'pack,' and though the reference went over the littles's heads, their parents were overcome with silent fits of giggles. Kari fell off her chair, and Ruthie, who was next to her, was too hysterical with laughter to help her up.

"_His eyes-how they twinkled! his smirkles how naughty!  
His cheeks were like roses, and what a smokin' hot body!  
His hair was all wet from the rain in Seattle  
And randomly Seth said "I wanna drive cattle!""_

_"He was awesome from his tie right down to his shoes,  
Already prepared to do the morning news.  
A stump of a Snickers he held tight in his teeth,_

_And his furry coat encircled his head like a wreath."_

_"He was muscled and trim, a smexy hawt elf,  
And I drooled when I saw him, in spite of myself!  
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,  
Made me think that we'd soon be in bed."_

_"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,  
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.  
And sticking his finger inside of his nose,  
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!"_

_"He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a thrust,  
And away they all flew as goaties they must,  
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,  
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a fucking good-night!""_

As Bekki finished, the children all broke into applause and a chorus of "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY"'s went up. The grown-ups were still partially incapacitated, but Clare managed to tell Bekki, who was slapping fives with all her nieces and nephews "Well…that certainly was…um, festive."

"Yah, I kno, right?" Bekki grinned, proud of herself. She sniffed suddenly. "Hey, did somebody remember to take out the Christmas cookies?"

There was nearly a disaster as the fire alarm began to go off, but Rachel saved the day with the help of the fire extinguisher. As the evening wore on, Seth led everyone in a series of traditional carols, such as "God Bless Ye Merry Gentlegoats," "Ann Got Run Over by a Reindeer," and "All I Want for Christmas is Your Mom." Chris arrived late, dressed in a Santa costume with a pillow tied around his middle and Sami scampering in behind him, dressed as his gangsta elf helper. They had come bearing gifts of Skittles, mix CDs, and duct tape for the kids, who all tackled them and clung to their legs in delight. Then they all returned to the living room to open the presents under the tree.

"OMG ERIN ILY!" Ari screamed, holding up a pair of purple fuzzy handcuffs with her name engraved in them. "THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!"

Helen was having a squee-fest over receiving the 26th season of America's Next Top Model on DVD and Seth and Jazz were holding up their new Disney princess afghan excitedly.

When Erin opened her gift from Aubrey and pulled out a lacy red negligee, she turned to her husband and glared. His eyes grew wide and he stumbled for words. "Um, you know, I just thought it might be nice for when we…I mean, your hott pink bra's nice, darling, but I just thought we could mix it up…you know…lol…"

Erin rolled her eyes at him, but she smiled and grabbed him by his snowman-patterned tie. "C'mere you," she purred, and the two of them commenced sucking face.

"Hey, look, it's starting to snow!" Gemma observed, pointing out the window into the gathering darkness. Sure enough, thick white flakes had begun to fall, soon drawing everyone to the windows and doors.

"Can we build a snowman?!" asked Belle excitedly.

"CAN WE GO STREAKING?!?!" Lenni shouted.

Erin knew she had been around the Mafia too long when her first concern was not the nudity but rather "Lenni, it's twenty degrees outside."

"SO?!?!?!?!?!"

"So why on earth would you go _streaking_ in the _snow_ in twenty-degree weather?!"

"WHY _WOULDN'T_ YOU?!?!?!"

"What's streaking?" Sawyer asked his mother, pulling on her sleeve for the umpteenth time that evening.

And for the first time that evening, Sawyer was able to get one of his awkward questions answered, because all at once, Lenni, Bekki, Ari, Seth, Tim and Beth took off across the front lawn, ripping their clothes off as fast as they could manage and yelling at the top of their lungs. Lenni was in the lead, yelling "ONCE AROUND THE BLOCK! LAST ONE IS A SOGGY BANANAAAA!"

Erin's jaw dropped, Jazz burst out laughing, and several others let out noises of terror/laughter/shock. Clare clapped her hands over Judy's eyes and Kat fainted dead away in Seth Clearwater's arms. Everyone froze, looking at each other, wondering what to do. Erin was thinking of the many ways in which she could kill Lenni for impressing her nudist tendencies upon her children, but was also secretly dying to follow. The others seemed to be suffering the same type of predicament.

Tennifer and Timmify, who were standing near the door, seemed to make the decision for the rest of them. They looked at each other, dropped their ice cream cartons, ripped off their loincloths and followed their parents, screaming war cries and taking off through the falling snow in all their glory.

After that, everyone else made furtive glances between each other and the door, and it wasn't long before all of them, kids included, were hustling to get out the door, kicking off pants and ripping off shirts as they went, all the while unleashing unholy yells on the unsuspecting suburban neighborhood.

As the Purple Mafia raced through the cold in the buff and screams began erupting from nearby windows, they were all struck by a strong sense of unity, whether it was Beth and Snipe, who were attempting to make out and run at the same time, or little Judy toddling behind in her diaper, they were all one big family; always had been, always would be. And even as the sound of police sirens began to draw nearer, they knew the look on Grandma Aimee's face when she bailed them all out of jail would be worth it. As well as the sexy party that would await them when they returned. And so they continued their loud, proud, naked run, yelling all the while.

"CORN POPS!!!"

"VIVA LA MAFIA!!"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A FUCKING GOOD NIGHT!"


End file.
